"No talk, no touch, no eye contact"

Flu season hit our house full swing this month.

The only benefit to this misfortune was that it afforded me 11 guilt-free days of sitting on the yellow couch, sipping Gatorade and watching dvr'd episodes of "The Dog Whisperer."
Have you seen it?

This guy has figured out the mysteries of life.

I've employed his strategies recently with great success.
Sometimes.

For example, the mantra
"No talk, no touch, no eye contact" 
is something parents of teenagers all over the world should know.

And teach their kids.

This past weekend, my daughter and I dodged the guys at the mall who always want to slather unsuspecting young girls' hands with impossibly magical products by using this technique.

She and I smiled at each other and whispered,
"No talk, no touch, no eye contact," 
and then breezed by. 
Amazing!

The usefulness of this in teenage life is limitless, right?

Probably the intended use is to help people rid their pets of unwanted behavior.
My tiny little dog Mabel, who pees when excited (or when she's talked to, or looked at, or lifted up or sees company coming... I could go on...) actually has improved 100% with
"No talk, no touch, no eye contact."

Now, Mabel can hold lengthy conversations without peeing spontaneously.
Success!

The English bulldog, Big Poppa?  
That's another story. 
He's whisper-proof.

I have had zero success keeping him off the couch.
Or from dragging every blanket he sees onto his bed.

Thanks to the Dog Whisperer, I can assess Poppa's behavior now, but I still am hopeless to fix it.

*Pops sits on the couch because he thinks it is his.

*He steals things because he thinks they are his.

*When he runs to his crate after being caught being naughty, it is not - as we previously assumed - because he's overcome with guilt.  He's being passive aggressive.
(He might need therapy.)

It's safe to assume that I haven't perfected the art of dog whispering.
Although it's not for lack of trying.

My husband and I actually spent a half hour one evening trying to "reclaim" our blankets.
The process must have been quite amusing to watch.
Cesar makes it look easy.

We stood side by side staring at Pops, waiting for him to "surrender," which was supposed to be him sitting down and looking bored.

For a sedentary dog, he can pace for 30 minutes like nobody's business.
I think we gave up.
Big Poppa probably still owns the blankets.

If I master bulldog whispering, I will report back immediately, but I'm not holding out great hopes.
(In my defense, I have noticed a disproportionate number of bulldogs on the tv show.)

It was pretty nifty to get past the lotion guys at the mall, however!
And I can only begin to think of the bazillion ways
"No talk, no touch, no eye contact" can be useful.

Can you think of any ways YOU might test this out?  I'd love to hear what you come up with!